Yesterday this happened:

So I’m a day late, shut up.    I figured now is the perfect time to disclose a few of my innermost thoughts/secrets without consequence.   Since well, it’s now a quasi holiday of sorts.    Twenty things you never really wanted to know about me in three….two….one:

1.  I have an older child with autism,  and one of my youngest has a severe developmental delay.   I am afraid to take the younger one to the doctors because I don’t want to hear that he is also on the spectrum.   I hate autism.   I want to punch autism in the face.

I get angry when I hear other parents bitch about  their three year old who talks too much, and I cannot even carry on  a simple conversation with my own.    I am jealous when I see other parents watch their children at team sport activities,  knowing that mine will likely never participate in a normal sport environment.

Sometimes I want to cry at night when I hear my youngest singing garbled words to himself, and I think that he’s trying so damn hard to say something that’s merely trapped inside of his beautiful mind because of his disability.

I feel an indescribable pain inside my heart when I see pictures of other people’s kids at prom on Facebook;   because my 14 year old asks me on the regular if he can have a girlfriend for his birthday or Christmas.   Which is mildly hilarious, but also hurts me hard.    I love my children,  I hate the shit out of autism.

2.   I married a man  just to help fund my way through law school,  and he wanted a child.   It was quid pro quo.    We both essentially used one another.  meh… I passed the bar, became a lawyer and now I hate lawyers.

I don’t necessarily perceive that as “karma”,  I see it as we both got what we needed out of one another then moved on.     On the upside we have both have an awesome kid and co-parent splendidly.   Weird, huh?  I don’t see it as a negative.

3.  I don’t believe in God because I think far too many bad things happen to good people for some imaginary force in the sky to be at work protecting us all.   Why does God give cancer to children or adults for that matter?  Explain his “mysterious ways” to me, again?   There are soooo many things I could go off on right now, I literally just deleted a paragraph.   I promised myself I wouldn’t make this about religion.

But I believe in spirits and ghosts because there are far too many people who have reported to have seen them.   I cannot be convinced of people who have allegedly seen Jesus in a slice of toast.   Also, I believe there are people out there who are inherently evil.   So I’m not precisely sure how to square with all this?

4.   I do not believe in unconditional love.   Not for humans at least.  Your dog?  sure.    The way I see it… If a wife were to cheat on her husband she would  have broken a “condition” to their love, and in all likelihood husband is hitting the road.

For those who believe in God, they must live by his commandments in order to fulfill the role of a “Christian” otherwise you are not accepted into his kingdom.   Hence there are conditions upon your acceptance into the kingdom (this is merely based on my understanding of the bible, you may have a different interpretation).

I think the only exception to the rule as relates to humans, would be parent to child… that love knows almost no bounds. almost.    I don’t think that’s deep,  just truth.

5.  I don’t feel pity for the homeless.    I feel like this is wrong because what if it was out of their control?   So sometimes I make myself give a few bucks just to feel better about myself, and I think: “that’s someone’s kid”.

6.  My good friend of fifteen years, we have a child by the same man.  Not a lot to digest there, most people know that.   Albeit a tad strange.

7.  There is a person alive right now because I do not want to go to prison.   But if there were no consequences, I would not hesitate for a second to kill that son of a bitch.   I know some people say this jokingly,   I mean it.  really.

8.  I consider myself to be fairly liberal.  I believe gays have a right to marry,  I believe a woman has the right to choose  and I believe in stricter gun control laws as well as criminal sanctions for said violations.   However,  I am a registered republican because I don’t believe in wealth distribution.   I may hate lawyers, but I have earned my right to charge someone $150.00 an hour if I so choose;  and I don’t want to be forced to share it with anyone….

9.  In March, I greeted two Jehovah Witnesses at my door,  they tried to hand me literature and invited me to an Easter brunch.   I told them I worship Satan then slammed the door in their faces,  and giggled for at least a half an hour after they left.   That wasn’t very nice…. (ok, I don’t worship satan, people.)

10.  In the sixth grade, during a study break,  I placed my thick winter jacket on my chair to muffle a fart.   That fart ricocheted like a tommy gun against my chair and the entire.class.heard.   I was horrified.

11.  Coincidentally,   I don’t just find farts funny.   I find almost anything that pertains to the ass to be hilarious.    I blame my parents.

Also, I taught my nephews how to make armpit farts, and my sister-in-law gets pissed when I encourage this.   I do it on purpose, because I don’t like her much.

12.   I think my husband is really the best thing for me.  He keeps me grounded, because I am a scatter brained eccentric;  and he is ironically normal.   He is not perfect but he really is perfect for me.   I’ve been married more than a few times thus far… but this is my final stop.    If this one doesn’t pan out ::knocks on wood:: then I’m hanging up my hat as a serial monogamist.

13.  I once went on a date with someone for New Years Eve.   I threw up in his shoes after midnight.   His three hundred dollar wing tipped fancy pants shoes.   He called me the next day.   wtf?

14.  During our formative years…. my sibling irritated me consistently, so I once made him lemonade with toilet water and served it with a smile.

15.  As a child while out walking with my cousin, on North Main in Salem NH,  a car drove by us at a fast rate of speed.  A man leaned out the window and slapped her on the bare arm, left the perfect impression of a red palm on her arm for hours.  My first reaction was to laugh.   I just laughed typing this.   what the fuck is wrong with me?

16.  Again, as a child… I shoved my fingers inside my brother’s Teddy Rupxin doll’s mouth, till the mechanism inside its face malfunctioned and broke within hours of his receiving it…on Christmas morning.   That was payback for the time he ripped my Ken doll’s limbs out of their sockets rendering him useless.

17.  In high school, I dated a boy just because I liked his motorcycle.  It’s all good… he dumped me for the girlfriend he’d been dating for years.   So I got payback, trust.   Stupid teenaged drama.

18.   I still think it would be real fun to be an astronaut.   I wish I became an astronaut instead of lawyer.  booooooring. seriously, astronauts are cool, who didn’t like that dried ice cream as a kid?

19.  I’ve been writing a book for three years this August.  I hope to publish by the fall, because I struggle to find the time and I have re-written the first half of the book about half a dozen times ::ugh::.   Also, I write suspense/horror despite my inclination for humor.   Mostly because I enjoy writing about murder.  I don’t know why….

20.  I deleted three things from this list because I thought…. ‘woah that’s bad’.