Oh hey, haven’t seen you in a while. how are things? That’s swell. Anywhoo, I’ve no idea what inspired me to write this, but for my desire to dispel the “myth” that men are far more simpler than us women believe.
You know the typical conjecture that women simply “read into things too much”. Ahhhhh, definitely not always the case, sometimes they are not so simple. Allow me to explain here. Let’s begin. You ready? beware. there’s simply no turning back.
1. Wife becomes ill. Husband is concerned, so he kindly offers: “You go lie down, I will take care of the kids and dinner.”
Translation: You go lie down and rest. A giant fucking mess will be waiting for you in the morning.
2. Husband makes dinner. He announces: “I made dinner for you tonight!”
Translation: Call the noble peace prize committee, I’ve just discovered the cure for world hunger. I will sporadically remind you of this glorious moment when I warmed up food for you.
3. Wife: “I’d really like it if we could visit my Aunt Claire for her birthday this Sunday.” Husband: ::silence:: ::more silence:: ::mind numbing silence::
Translation: I am going to pretend you didn’t just say that, and hope you completely forget about said visit; and NEVER EVER mention it ever again. ever.
4. Wife: “So I was thinking.” Husband: “What now?”
Translation: How much is this going to cost me?
5. Husband: “That’s a nice top.”
Translation: Nice boobs.
6. Husband: “Yes, I was planning to fix that. Don’t worry about it.”
Translation: Please be patient with me, and kindly ignore my not fixing that for the next six months. give or take.
7. Wife: “My friend Susan invited us to her daughter’s third birthday party for this coming Sunday afternoon. It’s going to be a “Frozen” theme. So cute.”
Husband: “In the afternoon? You know football starts at four, right?”
Translation: I’d prefer to stick my head up a horse’s ass and slowly rotate it, in a very slow gyrating deliberate fashion, than attend that party while the game is on.
Kind of like this: Peek-a-boo!
8. Husband: “Your friend, Jill, is really sweet. I like her, you should invite her over more often.”
Translation: I’m open to a threesome. I am disinclined to mention it, as I am fond of my face not being punched.
9. Husband: “Do what? Where? Huh, I just cleaned that last week!”
Translation: What swill? I see nothing.
10. Husband: “Who farted?”
Translation: I just farted. Laugh for I am funny.
In my own husband’s defense. I too am truly warped. One sunny afternoon, quite recently, I was discussing my husband with an old dear friend. I cannot recall exactly what I was carrying on about, but it was an instance I mentioned where my husband had “annoyed” me. Billy retorted: “Have you met you?” Touché. Touché.
Following that same logic. I randomly text my husband with images I find along with my take on them…. It’s a wonder he remains in the throngs of marital bliss to date; as I am truly tapped.
Here’s some examples. Enjoy. I’m currently working toward building a thirty day collection of texts to the h-bee. Stay tuned.