Woah.

My first post. welcome.

I thought to myself yesterday morning, at the rousing hour of 3 am “ish” -during one of my delightful spells of insomnia-, wouldn’t it be great if people said what they’re really thinking?  Instead of fooling themselves and attempting to fool everyone around them?  I mean, there’d be a huge surplus of bar fights and unemployment… but it’d be waaay more fun.  I believe the following ten issues would be far more captivating if the truth were unveiled. Let’s begin:

1. Facebook statuses were actually honest. For instance:

“Clean eating this week!” Truth: Last night my friends and I polished off a handle of Jager and binged on a log of raw cookie dough.

“I’ve had enough!!!” Truth: I don’t really have a boyfriend, but now you all think I do.  Also, I really like the Twilight series.

“Sometimes a smile is just a mask for what’s really going on inside.” Truth: I’m very boring. Please put down your smartphone while you’re doing number two and resume reading the back of the shampoo bottle.

“Happy 10th Anniversary to my husband, John. We’ve been through a lot of ups and downs, but mostly good times. Love you.”  Truth: All of our friends know how dysfunctional our relationship is, and I can’t believe we’re still together either. But I still want recognition for tolerating you all these years. Please like my status.

“I like my girls curvy!” Truth: I’m a chubby chaser.

“I can’t wait to take my wife to see the play “Wicked” tonight for her birthday.  Love you hunni.” Truth: I’d rather extinguish a campfire with my face.

“Just bought myself an iPad!  I already downloaded three of my favorite books!  I can’t wait to read them tonight with a nice cup of tea!” Truth: I can afford things you can’t.  Neener neener.  Also, I don’t plan on reading any books tonight.  I plan on drinking an entire bottle of red wine, then passing out while watching Netflix.

“Heading to the beach with my girls!” Truth: It’s Tuesday, you’re at work.  Be jealous.

“Watching Gossip Girl with my lady.  We love this show.  Football can be DVR’d, I like to make her smile.” Truth: I’m gay.

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world. -Mahatma Gandi”  Truth: I just farted and it smelled like popcorn.  I really wanted to write about that, but felt like that’d be “over sharing”.  Please enjoy what someone else thought up to define me.

“Come out to see my band tonight!!! Open mic night at the Swizel! All originals written by yours truly!” Truth: We suck.  I’m over forty and still live in my parent’s basement, because I still hope to hit the big time. Save your money and drink at home.

Random buff boy posts a minimum of ten topless pictures a week, in his bathroom mirror. What this really means: I have a small penis, and also my favorite band is Nickelback.

“Thank God, little Susie finally fell asleep.  We had such a busy day, I just love that little angel.” Truth: My kid was acting like a little shit because she refused to nap this afternoon.  I haven’t even been able to shower yet today, so I just fed her a buttload of Benedryl.  I regret nothing.

2. If animals could talk. Really let’s think about how cool/fun that would be?  Albeit awkward at times.  For instance, immediately after your dog frantically shoves his nose in your guest’s crotch he turns to them and says:

“How do I put this gently, Rhonda?  You’re gonna need to start wiping front to back.  You have a smidge of cucka in your bug.”

3. Our appearance.  I mean while some may appreciate knowing the exact dimensions/girth of a stranger’s vagina… I think I would rather know if my pants were a smidge on the tight side.  Statements such as the following,  should be completely acceptable.:

“I fear your pants may be completely consumed by the likes of your ravenous vagina, and in a moments notice you may be rendered completely pantless if you don’t change RIGHT now.”

OR

“I see you’ve gone with the toothpaste pants today. You’ve managed to squeeze all the fat up from your ankles to overflow the brim of your pants.  Not a good look, girlfriend.”

4. Bitches.  Is it just me or does nearly every office have an excess of completely irrational bitches?  Seems bitchiness is flung about like a two dollar hooker whips off her drawers? Wouldn’t it be great if there were a three strike rule of sorts for these women?  Mandatory termination after bitchy incident number three.  The conversation would go something like this:

“Oh hey, Helen, can I talk to you for a minute?  Yeah, see here’s the thing… Last week, when you sent that passive aggressive e-mail about cleaning two coffee mugs left in the break room sink in all caps; yeah that was bitch strike two.

Then this morning we saw you woof down that stale doughnut in the break room, despite your bragging about your success on Atkins this month. Well,  that was strike number three.  We’re gonna need you to pack it up.”

5. Truth in Advertising.  You know how you go to the store and a generic item of sorts is displayed on an end cap and is far less expensive than the name brand?  Very tempting, no?  Isn’t there always a reason and we always seem to fall for this gimmick nonetheless?  Wouldn’t it be far more helpful if the merchant told us the truth, such as:

“Whizzit Crackers: You’ll save a dollar if ya’ buy this, sailor, but they look like the scab that fell off my dog’s ass last week.  Also, if you’d prefer to avoid licking the backside of your own ass to kill the taste… well, spring for the extra scratch.  Walk the extra two feet down aisle 7 and grab the Cheezits.  You’ll thank me later.”

OR

“Don’t buy this.  Pieces are missing and the instruction manual is only in Chinese.  Ahhh, shit…buy it, it will be funny.”

6. Job Interviews.  Is there ever a truthful word uttered during this horrid ritual of pre employment?  How about some truth for a change, for instance:

“Tell me something about yourself that would add quality to our organization and why exactly we should hire you.”

Honest Reply: “I have nice tits but I will keep them covered just enough for everyone to enjoy, and remain professional at the same time.  I’ve cut back my bathroom breaks to only accommodate discharging number two, and not to update my Facebook status. I will flirt with my boss to make him think he’s still attractive and to push myself up a smidge on the corporate ladder.  I don’t get drunk on Tuesdays anymore and also, I need money so I don’t have to couch surf at my friend, Kate’s, apartment.”

7. Penises.  They are ugly.  No one wants to look directly at the one eyed willy, almost something akin to a mythological creature of sorts… Medusa for instance.  While the utility of the penis is enjoyable for some, it is just not attractive.  Sorry fellas.  It’s tragically awkward on an epic level.  For me, it reminds me of a veinna sausage with a one holed button screwed on top.  A reject one holed button tossed aside at the button factory that is now a fleshy swollen knob screwed atop your junk.  Try dressing that up, kids.  In fact, if I were to open a strip club, I’d call it: “Topless dudes, don’t worry ladies and gents we aren’t gonna take off our pants.” Way more business.

8. Ugly babies.  They exist, people!!  Where do you think ugly people come from?  Let’s be honest, all newborns look like a giant kidney bean with a wobbly turnip for a head.  Furthermore, they don’t look like anyone, they look like your genitalia just punched them in the face mid departure.  I like to give them a few months, see if they “grown into” their looks.  Six months later, I catch up and check out a picture of their kid on Facebook.  It’s either good news or  you’re left thinking, “Nah…shit. Still ugly. Poor lil’ guy.”  Post nothing, and hide from news feed. Yikes.

9. Gossip.  When you talk to your “bestie”,  right before they tell you a secret they ask: ‘Don’t tell anybody, ok?’  You reply,  ‘No, no, no…no worries.’  Lies.  You know you’re going to at least tell your spouse over dinner that night.  You know, because your spouse doesn’t really count.  The female mind is an enigma, let’s just agree upon that, shall we?

10. Beauty Pageants.  Frankly, I don’t care much about these, but I find them marginally entertaining.  I’m not some raging feminist who thinks they are demeaning to women.  To each his own, I say.  But what irritates me about them, is that moment precisely at the end when there are only two women left on the stage.  They announce the “big winner”, and the loser girl frantically kisses and hugs her opponent, congratulating her while the judges place a colossal tin foil crown on the her head.

I don’t want to see them hug and congratulate one another…what I really want to hear (what we all want to hear the announcer hail at that precise moment): “Let’s get ready to ruuuuuuuuuuuuumble!!!!!”  A lot more people would watch beauty pageants.

Thanks for reading, friends.  Come back for more if you like.  Have a good one.