the epic fail mall trip. with a happy ending.

Oh, hey there.   It’s Friday and that’s good.  Let’s just say yesterday, not the best day.  Little itsy bitsy background.  I’m hosting a benefit tomorrow for my dear friend Ann, she has poly cystic kidney disease and needs a transplant soon… as her kidneys are functioning at a dangerously low level.  As I am last minute mary, i waited till yesterday to go shopping for various items to place in a gift basket to raffle.  I couldn’t find what I was looking for (after about an hour of searching), but the torrent of shit didn’t end there, my friends.

Somehow I managed to hold it all together, and when I returned home I sent my planning committee the following private email, which essentially detailed my shitty day.  My friend, Sherry, thought it was so funny she asked my permission to post and share on facebook.  Hell, why not… share away.

You know, after I read it again, I thought: ‘well crap, that is kinda funny’.  So I thought, ‘why not share it myself?’  This feels backward to me, aren’t I supposed to share first? too funny.  Well enjoy. and happy weekend, all. (this is raw form, no editing, probably some grammar faux pas, and a few f-bombs. I thought it best to leave it in its authentic form…zero filter. you’ve been warned. carry on):

Thursday 5:04pm

Bridgett Nicolace

So here’s my basket. I was going to get a bathrobe and a pair of slippers but no dice… could not find a plain white terry cloth robe to save my fucking life today. I looked in EVERY store in the fucking mall. So instead I bought a shit ton of bath and body stuff including an air freshener like a decorative plug in (pumpkin scent), a pumpkin scented candle, a body poof, and pumpkin body gel, pumpkin lotion, two perfumes (random fragrances), I think three other bath gels and a couple more lotions ( i think three) idk… about 100 bucks worth of smelly froo froo crap. I hope that this is Ok.

Today was epically shitty. I’m sure most of you saw my husband’s post. Well, due to moving/packing and juggling 4 kids, i had myself a little nervous breakdown at the mall today. If I wasn’t rushing around at the last damn minute I’d be fine.

My mom agreed to watch all but one child, Jameson. Jameson was fine… well, I go to Wal-mart… proceed to smash my hand between the carriage and a wall. bleeding. I had to request a bandage from the first aid kit. awesome.

We go to the mall. I look for no lie, about an hour in all stores for a bathrobe and slippers that don’t look like an old lady from the trailer park just put it on a hanger for a quick take. Legit ugly shit in every single store, a whole lot of hello kitty bullshit…not happening. I was snapping at cashiers at this point as I was in full on asshole mode.

Gets better. I decide, fuck this noise, I’m trying on some clothes… I gotta doll my shit up for Saturday. Like not crazy dolled up, just something that isn’t stained or has holes in it. Ya’ know… classy shit.

Yeah so there i am in the macy’s dressing room. Trying stuff on. One outfit to be precise. In that amount of time, Jameson flips over in his stroller, and that’s when I discovered that he had shit his pants as his ass revealed a saturated ick of green diarrhea shit. Soaked through his pants diarrhea shit. OMG and the smell hit me.

Well when he took “the dive” so did the stroller which contained a new plastic item I purchased that shattered on the floor. Now I’m sweating and my pits reek of steamed hot dogs. seriously the scent was ungodly. combined with the shit stink.

Well, it gets EVEN better. A woman with two of her daughters comes in the same dressing room and they are carrying on about the smell and “how could they even stand the smell in there and she was leaving” blah blah…

Now I’m horrified and rushing to get out of the dressing room. I stop to apologize to the woman, and I am now frantically searching for the restroom. I couldn’t stop to pay for the items because this woman I just apologized to now knows my kid has shit in his pants.

Well, not wanting to put the items back on the rack, I brought them into the bathroom with me. Security was waiting for me outside the woman’s bathroom. They only questioned me, but it was hugely embarrassing. I never put them inside my bag and just explained the situation.

I know you can’t imagine this but it gets better. I lost my iphone… I think during the great carriage spill inside Macy’s. Truth is, i don’t even fucking care to call. That’s about when I broke down crying the second time today. The first time was inside macy’s around several people.

wtf. bad bad day. so how bout that basket!! hope this will be ok.

I did get the frames for the gift cards later girls, see you saturday. 3:30 pm

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Hilarious, no?  I too find other people’s misery to be amusing.  So it’s only fair to laugh at my own from time to time.  It’s so inexplicably human, really.  Word of the day, schadenfreude. It’s fancy, but I fit it in whenever I can; as I often delve into said world of “humor”.  I believe most of us do, as we are completely effed in the head. -mostly-

Screen Shot 2013-08-23 at 8.51.43 AM

The Happy Ending… my h-bee is the best.  Just a couple of the reasons why I love him so -not an exhaustive list-:

he posts this to my wall when I have a bad diarrhea experience with the babe at the mall.

Screen Shot 2013-08-23 at 7.57.28 AM

And he sings to our babies. i’m one lucky girl. enjoy. 🙂 -See I told you… happy ending. –

PS. Just want everyone to know, even though Jameson sprung like a gymnast on crack from his stroller, he’s totally fine.  The boy sprung back up without a mark or even a whimper.  Just this morning he stood on his head and did a split midair. I’m not sure I’m able to adequately describe what i saw, actually.  Oh, and he just wrapped himself up like a burrito inside my living room rug. yeah, he’s fine. trust.

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2 Responses to the epic fail mall trip. with a happy ending.

  1. Love u…and Jim that was awesome. We are all wonder women only a few goodenever realize just what we do amd would do for our men!!!!!

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