So sorry I haven’t posted in a bit. I had someone ask me the other day, “what’s up with the fuzzy peanut, haven’t seen much over there lately?” , to which I replied, “It’s the furry peanut, now that’s ten points awarded to Griffyndor because you’re a fucking jerk.”
1. Last week sometime, my mother was over for a visit. I was eating turkey on whole wheat for lunch. She ate nothing because she neurotically diets. I decided on Cheez-its to accompany my sandwich. A small amount of cheez-its tragically missed my lip and fell to the floor…. without skipping a beat I picked up those sommah bitches and stowed them away on my plate. She then asked with a gasp, “Are you actually going to eat those?!”… to which I replied, “Mom, I’m a huge supporter of oral sex. I figure if I’m going to put my husband’s ding-a-ling in my mouth, I am going to eat that pile of cheez-its.”
damn the 15 second rule. I make my own rules, bitches.
2. Day before yesterday, I was shopping at Shaw’s supermarket, in Windham, NH. Have you ever been to this place? If not, you’re certainly not missing much. In fact, you may still have your nuts, boobs and/or random limbs intact. Because if they notice you have any “spare parts”, they may just take those for safe keeping. Just in case you secretly ate a fucking grape.
As the story goes, I am checking out, the woman who’s ringing me up looks like a reject monkey from the zoo. The kind of monkey that ingests a whole bag of meth, then gives you the finger. The vapid facial expression was a surefire indicator of drug abuse, and also what came next… She’s allowing all my food to ram together at the end of the conveyor belt, neglecting to shut off the moving belt…. I pipe up with, “You’re smashing all my food, could you turn that off?”
“Oh yes, sorry,” she says. Ok, so we get over that hurdle…. Only there’s no one there to bag my shit. They expect YOU to bag the groceries. Or perhaps she’s just daydreaming about her lost comb and toothbrush? She goes on to ring up the next customer.
ME: “Uh, what the fuck? I hope you don’t expect me to bag this shit?”
ME: “Because every one of you in this store can eat my ass, before I bag this overpriced shit.”
Her: ::bagging my groceries::
Woman behind me: ::gasping while holding her chest::
Me: ::checking facebook notifications & instagram like a total asshole::
3. Random confession: Have you ever visited someone’s home, and their bathroom is oddly placed inside their home? Like it’s REALLY close to the kitchen? Or nearby the living room area where every one happens to be hanging out or even worst they are in the process of eating? You go to the bathroom, where it’s OK to fart. Only, you still don’t want anyone to hear. Being as smart as I am, I thought quickly, and decided to muffle the ass thunder with a fresh towel from the linen closet. Problem solved. The fart was muffled AND I was able to laugh at their expense by the thought of their drying off with my fart towel….
4. Yesterday, I decided it’s time to for an oil change. Also, I wanted to have my car inspected, only OF COURSE, no car inspections were offered at this place. When I arrived I discovered this when I asked, “Do you folks do inspections?”
Man replies, “No, just oil changes. Did you come here just for an inspection?”
Me: ::insert discontented sigh:: “No, I need an oil change too.”
Man: “Ok, So are you sure you’re ok with no inspection?”
Me: “Uh, well since you don’t do them, I guess I’m going to HAVE to be? Unless I’m entitled to lodge a complaint with the flying spaghetti monster?”
Me: “Just the oil change, please.”
5. Then I found this picture, and thought…..well, heck that sounds way easier and a lot less gross than blatantly scratching the butthole. Immediately went on list of things “to try”:
6. Last night I had a very realistic dream about a large jar of sliced pickles in my fridge. It was so real that I’m still pissed about no pickles in my fridge this morning. There’s zero significance to this fact, just felt like sharing.
7. Then I found this picture, which I shared with a friend and then left me reflecting about something that happened just last month:
So what happened last month? I have a dog, Bandit, and one evening company asked, “What’s he chewing”? Only to discover, it was a dried up tootsie roll granola looking turd from the cat’s litter box. A delightful ice breaker. We’ve tried to stop him several times, but then I figured…. it helps with cat box sanitation. look at the positives, right?
8. Also, I found this gem:
Till we meet again fellow fucktards.