Thing’s I’ve learned while being a mom.

Sure, this topic has been written about oh, I don’t know… probably a gazillion-ish times.   But I thought I’d share my “take” on things nonetheless.

So on that note, I thought I would list a few of my own observations.  Just for fun.  Let’s begin:

1. “Oh isn’t he/she cute?!”:  Anyone who cruises our proverbial hipster social networks of the world, knows two universal truths:  1. You are a part of the group who posts entirely too many pictures of your children.  OR  2. You are part of the group who posts entirely too many pictures of your pet.

If you are a part of group #1 and you’ve just seen the 1,450th picture of your friend’s dog/cat/pygmy goat/bunny or two toed sloth, you think,  “For the love of God, will you just have a f*cking kid already?!”

OR

If you are a part of group #2 and you’ve just seen the 10,567th picture of your friend’s kid(s), you think, “Your damn kid is ugly anyway, I’m never having kids… people lose their damn mind when they have kids.” -immediately posts picture of dogs wearing pantyhose.- 

ImageOR Taco Dog.  all normal.  hell, it doesn’t matter what it is, we all just secretly “cyber-hate” one another.

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2. Kids can be dicks:  Yes, I went there.  They can be, dicks, big ol’ penises.  For instance, here’s how they work:

a. ‘Oh, were you eating that?’-as their stubby little fingers nonchalantly steal a sandwich from your plate the moment you turn your head.-

b. ‘Oh, were you trying to eat a nice quiet dinner?’ -let me show you how I can make meatloaf fly.-

c. ‘Oh, did you need those car keys?’better call the plumber, I just flushed those bitches down the john. Aint I cute though?-

d. ‘Oh, you’re bringing me to a restaurant?’ -Allow me to burp the alphabet, then call the waitress fat.-

e. ‘Oh, were you watching that?’ -Watch me thrash my body about (in lunatic fashion) until you put Spongebob back on.-

f. ‘Oh, were you talking to another adult?’Que my ear piercing shrill cry, as I cropdust you both.-

g. ‘Oh, you have work in the morning?’ -I can’t think of a better time to cry about ab-so-lute-ly fucking nothing!-

3. Foreplay: Foreplay is fun isn’t it?

Myth: Foreplay comes to a screeching halt once you’re married.

Truth: No, no, no…. it comes violently careening off the road into a fiery crash once you have children.  Because you both know,  at a moments notice, that sweet falsetto voice will pierce the veil of an early morning “session”, looking for mommy and daddy.

So now you’re thinking, “Holy crap! Is this a Lochness Monster sighting? In my bedroom? NO, no… oh my, it’s an actual erect penis!!  Woah, well, I’d better hop on that thing before it scurries off into the mist!  I’m going in!”

4. Old men: Children tell stories just like little old men… Usually their stories are long and sometimes without a point; in fact, a “plot” is entirely frivolous in their respective worlds.  Sometimes characters/places are fictitious but more often than not, no matter how hard you try, you do not know the what the hell they are talking about.  Don’t get me wrong, kids can be hilarious, but they don’t learn that brevity is king for quite a few more years.

For now… suck it up.

5. Cha Cha Cha:  Remember that Cha Cha Cha song about diarrhea you used to sing as a kid? You know the one…. “Some people think it’s funny, but it’s really hot and runny, diarrhea… diarrhea, CHA CHA CHA!!”

Truth: That song WAS funny.  It is no longer funny at 2 a.m. when your child is walking downstairs with a stream of fresh “Cha Cha Cha” running down his/her leg. -ok, so maybe the song is still a little funny-

6. “You know what I think?”: Everyone has an opinion, everyone has untraveled wisdom on how to raise your children.  It’s amazing how many people think they know your child well enough to offer their unabridged wealth of knowledge, after having spent nearly zero minutes with your child/children.

‘Hmmm, yes…. indeed, do tell.’

You see, my eldest child is autistic and my three year old is speech delayed and the “nuggets of wisdom” are always forthcoming;  Almost kinda like “cha cha cha”, if you know what I mean. ::ahem::

So circling back: The advice always starts with, “You know what I think?”

Yes Dearest, Doc. Spock’s of the world, I’m talking to you: you know what I think?  I think you should go bobbing for apples… in a shark tank, with your dick.

OR if that doesn’t suit your fancy, I can bake you a pie. like you know…

Image

7. Shit Lottery:  This only really holds true for those of us who were foolish blessed enough to have more than one shit maker bundle of joy.

What is this black magic of which I speak?  Well, it’s simple really… it’s when you go to change one child’s shit pants, and to your surprise you discover,  the other one has also made you a “present”.

congrats, you just won what I call, “the shit lottery”.

8. Kisses: Sure you kiss your spouse.  Sure you kiss your nieces/nephews/mom/dad…. etc.  But you will never kiss anyone’s head/face/cheek as much as you kiss your kid’s.  Trust.  In fact, if my kid’s head had a marquee it would read: “One billion kisses served.”  True story.

9. Playdates: This one applies especially to women.  It doesn’t really matter how much our children like one another, WE (the moms) must get along (and btw, our criteria is utterly shallow).  While out at a playgroup or at a playground we are scoping the women for our perfect “match”….

“Dear God, she’s wearing a vest with kittens on it AND Crocs.  There’s no way I’m calling her.”

10. Last but certainly not least… some of the most important lessons I’ve learned while being a mom.

How they remind us, to be kind, and to love without limits.  How they show us to appreciate their innocence, their desire to nurture and care for others without judgment or inhibition.

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How they make us a laugh without even trying.  They are simply, just themselves…

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Their laughter, their smile, that quirky hand motion or that all too familiar sense of humor, those subtle hints that shine through and remind you… they are forever and inextricably a part of you.

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 After longing for some time alone,  once they’ve been gone for five minutes… you’re already thinking about them, worrying and missing them all at the same time.  This will happen until we are gone, I think.

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How much they change our lives, the monumental sacrifices we make, the worry that consumes our hearts, and the old freedoms we covet at times…

The truth is, if we had to choose, we’d rather sacrifice everything… because without them we’d have nothing. 

Life is wonderful.

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2 Responses to Thing’s I’ve learned while being a mom.

  1. FAntastic as always. Really bob for apples in a shark tank with ur dick. Good one kid!!!!

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