Rules, sometimes they are meant to be broken. Because some rules are dumb.
1. Yesterday, while basking in the warm autumn sun at the playground with my son, a stranger standing nearby commented to my son:
“Oh honey, you shouldn’t climb up the slide.”
I bit my tongue because, I didn’t view the controversy as “rumble worthy”. What I wanted to say: “Get away from me before I thunder punch your throat”. I was good, I didn’t do that. They say a picture’s worth a thousand words…. so I made one.
2. In 1994 Congress passed the “National Energy Policy Act”, making the low flush toilet the industry standard, which only uses 1.6 gallons per flush. That’s right kids, once upon a time, a bunch of assholes sat in a room and decided how much water is necessary for the business end of your asshole.
Thanks to Congress you now have to flush three times instead of one time to get rid of the real “troublemaker”. Brilliant!
3. Swearing: I like to swear. a lot. Some consider it a vice, I think of it as a talent. I like to think of it as a daily “challenge” like: “How many swears can I cram into this sentence? Hmm…. only 17, best step that shit up.”
What pisses me off, are people who come to an ADULT gathering, bring their kid and then ask that you clean up the language. Or like a bar, people that bring their kid to a damn bar!? then tell me how to behave….are you crappin’ me?
What I want to do, is lean in and whisper into their tender little angel’s ear:
“Get fucking used to it, you weren’t invited.”
4. People on Facebook who write things like this:
“I would really appreciate it if none of you would post about Sons of Anarchy tonight. Some of us can’t stay up till eleven and have to DVR it, don’t ruin it for the rest of us.”
From now on I will sit and wait for one of these whiny bitches, to write something to the effect of: “Watching The Perfect Stranger with Halle Berry, so far it’s a good one.” Then I shall comment, “Halle Berry is the killer, fuck you for telling me what to do. I write what I want.”
You’ve been warned. I will do it next time. dicks.
5. Yesterday I watched a documentary on Alcatraz, and as a minor side note it was mentioned that there must always be a light left on in the main hallway of cell block D (even at night, when the tourists have long since departed). This had me pause in thought, as simple as the statement was, because ummm why?
Next I imagined some fucking asstwit sitting in an office dreaming up this rule:
“I know it’s an empty building, on an island in the middle of the San Francisco Bay surrounded by frigid waters, but they better keep that fucking light on at all times or else….well, or else bad things might happen! Because I said so… I think? That fucking light just better stay the fuck on!!!!”
I swear to God, there are people out there just like this wasting precious oxygen.
6. In 1966, The Treasury Department authorized the Federal Reserve Banks to destroy “worn out” paper currency. So when these old bills arrive at the Federal Reserve Bank, they are fed through a high-speed shredder, which cuts them into strips. It is reported that the life of a one dollar bill is approximately 22 months and a one hundred dollar bill is spared a little longer and has a 7-year life span.
Are you crappin’ me? I could make a dollar bill last way longer than just shy of two years, I mean really. This makes as much sense to me as this:
7. In 1978, The Supreme Court rendered a decision in the case of Tennessee Valley Authority v. Hill, regarding this little guy:
This little three inch fish rocked its way all the way up to the Supreme Court. This case involved the construction of the Tellico Dam on the Little Tennessee River in 1973. A biologist, David Etnier, discovered that construction of the Tellico Dam would alter the habitat of the river to the point of wiping out the snail darter (an animal on the endangered species list).
Oh, did I mention that amidst the snail darter controversy/litigation, the construction of the dam never ceased? Yeah… to the tune of 110 million dollars. Wicked cool, huh? Why did we keep building? I don’t know, but this little bastard fish could have potentially cost us all obscene amounts of tax dollars. Let’s circle back to that.
Chief Justice Warren wrote the majority, halting construction of the dam, stating that to continue with the construction would be a direct violation of the letter of the law or the “Endangered Species Act”. The day this decision was rendered officially went down in history as: “The Day America got sand in its vagina, over a fucking three inch fish.”
One of Jimmy Carter’s only saving grace, he signed a bill in September of 1979, exempting the Tellico Dam project from the Endangered Species Act.
Only Jimmy Carter went and fucked that up in 1980, when he granted political asylum to 3,500 Cuban refugees, and Miami became a Babylon of sorts (only with riots and lunatics sleeping under the 95 overpass and the Miami Orange Bowl). Fun. Awwee, he wanted to be nice though, aint that the sweetest thing?
Like Fidel was only going to send over 3,500 people, because you know…. he’s a wicked good listener and all. Castro saw this as an opportunity to purge his country of many undesirables including political dissidents, hard-core criminals, and the mentally ill. Castro stated: “They want them, they can have them, I will flush my toilets.”
Oh and he did. I could go on, but that’d just be silliness. Then in 2002 we gave Jimmy Carter the Nobel Peace Prize. What the fuck for?
Ok maybe for Habitat for Humanity, the rest…..meh, I don’t see it. Hey Nobel Peace Prize committee, I made stool this morning shaped like an “S”, where’s my prize?!
8. Let’s face it… not everyone is going to like us. I mean I KNOW that I am not everyone’s cup of tea. Nor do I want to be, because what’s the fun in that? I know there’s an “unwritten rule” that we aren’t supposed to tell people when we don’t like them. I believe this rule should be abolished and we should be allowed to tell people without them getting offended.
It’s life, we can’t impress everyone right? I believe it would make life easier and we could just plan things without them because now, it’s out there. Then we could write songs like this and sing it from the mountain tops. What a wonderful world that would be:
9. Shoes. Somebody please explain to me why I have to put shoes on my infant son? Why is this some kind of strange rule, that a child who doesn’t walk must wear shoes or socks? Especially when wrapped inside ten fucking layers of blanket. Please explain this enigma of life to me, because if I have one more person ask me:
“Where’s his little shoes?”
I swear I will go completely apeshit. I am assuming the appropriate response isn’t: “Stuffed inside your ass”. Instead I politely nod.
10. Towns that don’t allow smoking outside. OUTSIDE!!! What kind of pansy ass communist bullshit is that?! I don’t get that…
The next step is such Orwellian measures as installing cameras in our toilets. An hour after we make BM we receive a call from some government monkey and it goes something like this:
“Oh, hey Mrs. Nicolace, we know you ate corn last night at supper. We were wondering what happened to the corn? The corn is a mystery… we must know the whereabouts of this corn!”
corn poops, that is all.